1
00:00:00,820 --> 00:00:02,869
- Hey, hey, what up, shop?
- Hey.
2
00:00:03,039 --> 00:00:07,801
What up, Calvin? Hey, shoppedy-shop,
can I get a "what-what?"
3
00:00:12,028 --> 00:00:13,316
Sorry, Dave.
4
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,544
Looks like the shoppedy-shop
gave you a "nopedy-nope."
5
00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:21,038
Hey, Que, why does Bobby have
a pink chair at his station?
6
00:00:21,121 --> 00:00:23,056
Oh, that's not
Bobby's station anymore.
7
00:00:23,140 --> 00:00:24,475
He had to skip town.
8
00:00:24,559 --> 00:00:26,446
Yeah, he sneezed
and accidentally
9
00:00:26,530 --> 00:00:28,949
shaved off one
of Big Mike's eyebrows.
10
00:00:29,272 --> 00:00:31,009
Man, he didn't even
wait for a "Bless you."
11
00:00:31,092 --> 00:00:33,168
Just dropped the
clippers and ran.
12
00:00:35,219 --> 00:00:36,829
Anyway, now that he's gone,
13
00:00:36,914 --> 00:00:38,273
I rented out his station
14
00:00:38,356 --> 00:00:40,643
to a couple of women
who's gonna do nails.
15
00:00:40,726 --> 00:00:42,277
All right.
16
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:45,106
It'll be nice to get some
female energy up in here.
17
00:00:45,189 --> 00:00:47,130
Now Dave doesn't have
to feel so alone.
18
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,384
Pink Ladies in the house!
19
00:00:51,469 --> 00:00:52,814
Can I get a "what-what?"
20
00:00:52,898 --> 00:00:54,661
What-what?
21
00:00:55,046 --> 00:00:57,688
Oh, no.
It's the Pink Ladies.
22
00:00:57,771 --> 00:00:59,162
What are they doing here?
23
00:00:59,246 --> 00:01:01,988
And why did they get
a "what-what" and I didn't?
24
00:01:02,304 --> 00:01:03,735
Do y'all know each other?
25
00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:05,995
Unfortunately, yes.
26
00:01:06,079 --> 00:01:09,626
These two buzzards been
circling me since high school.
27
00:01:09,710 --> 00:01:12,409
Hey, Regina,
isn't that Calvin Butler?
28
00:01:12,492 --> 00:01:14,498
Couldn't be. That
guy's older, uglier,
29
00:01:14,582 --> 00:01:17,114
and has way more hair
coming out of his nose. Ha!
30
00:01:17,614 --> 00:01:19,533
No, that's him, all right.
31
00:01:19,617 --> 00:01:21,316
You can tell
because he's standing next
32
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,652
to his emotional support dork.
33
00:01:24,990 --> 00:01:26,450
- What's up?
- What's up?
34
00:01:26,534 --> 00:01:28,423
- No, what's up?
- No, what's up with you?
35
00:01:28,507 --> 00:01:30,150
Yeah, looks like
I ain't the only one
36
00:01:30,234 --> 00:01:31,739
that got hair
coming out their nose.
37
00:01:33,412 --> 00:01:35,221
Regina, hand me
that nail file.
38
00:01:35,305 --> 00:01:36,971
I'm about to
shank this fool.
39
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:38,884
Oh, uh, C-Calvin,
let's get out of here.
40
00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:41,424
No, Dave.
The shop is my spot.
41
00:01:41,509 --> 00:01:43,164
If anybody's leaving,
it's them.
42
00:01:43,247 --> 00:01:45,787
Oh, no, we're not. See,
Que already cashed our check,
43
00:01:45,871 --> 00:01:47,168
so we're here to stay.
44
00:01:47,252 --> 00:01:49,932
That's right,
unlike your hairline.
45
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:54,218
What you laughing at, Trey?
46
00:01:54,301 --> 00:01:57,501
You and your bald head
wish you had my hairline!
47
00:01:59,028 --> 00:02:01,439
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
48
00:02:01,524 --> 00:02:03,112
♪ Welcome to the hood.
*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*
49
00:02:03,197 --> 00:02:05,615
Season 03 Episode 17
Episode Title: 00:02:07,763
Aah!
I cannot believe
51
00:02:07,847 --> 00:02:10,707
the Pink Ladies are working
at the barbershop. I know.
52
00:02:10,792 --> 00:02:11,927
What are we gonna do?
53
00:02:12,012 --> 00:02:13,200
I don't know,
54
00:02:13,284 --> 00:02:15,275
but as long
as they're at the shop,
55
00:02:15,425 --> 00:02:17,104
I'm not getting my hair cut
there.
56
00:02:17,188 --> 00:02:18,348
Besides...
57
00:02:18,432 --> 00:02:19,740
Me always wanting to know
58
00:02:19,824 --> 00:02:22,766
what I'd look like with them
rude boy dreadlocks, you know.
59
00:02:23,293 --> 00:02:24,420
Calvin,
60
00:02:24,503 --> 00:02:27,615
you can't let them drive you out
of your own barbershop.
61
00:02:27,699 --> 00:02:29,618
And trust me,
as someone who's had dreads,
62
00:02:29,703 --> 00:02:31,579
they're not worth the effort.
63
00:02:33,239 --> 00:02:36,849
You know, if they were dudes,
I'd kick their asses.
64
00:02:36,933 --> 00:02:39,028
But according
to their driver's licenses,
65
00:02:39,112 --> 00:02:41,150
they're technically females.
66
00:02:42,168 --> 00:02:43,466
Well, look, if
you can't do that,
67
00:02:43,550 --> 00:02:45,264
there's really only
one other solution.
68
00:02:45,348 --> 00:02:46,451
What's that?
69
00:02:46,536 --> 00:02:48,115
Why don't you
take the high road?
70
00:02:48,199 --> 00:02:49,673
What do you mean?
71
00:02:50,707 --> 00:02:52,603
Like a hit-and-run?
72
00:02:53,793 --> 00:02:57,188
No. Uh, you-you try
to make peace with them.
73
00:02:57,272 --> 00:02:58,756
Are you crazy?
74
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:02,647
I'm not making peace with
those two wig-wearing warthogs.
75
00:03:04,670 --> 00:03:07,099
Look, Calvin, you
said it yourself...
76
00:03:07,183 --> 00:03:08,919
They're driving you crazy.
77
00:03:09,012 --> 00:03:11,550
And clearly, they're
not going anywhere.
78
00:03:11,634 --> 00:03:13,935
But if you go in and
extend an olive branch,
79
00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:16,634
I promise they'll
follow your lead.
80
00:03:16,723 --> 00:03:18,122
What makes you so sure?
81
00:03:18,206 --> 00:03:19,472
Well, because
mediating conflicts
82
00:03:19,556 --> 00:03:21,931
is what I do for a living.
83
00:03:22,348 --> 00:03:24,030
I don't know, man.
84
00:03:24,114 --> 00:03:25,675
Come on, trust me, Calvin.
85
00:03:25,777 --> 00:03:28,263
If you go in there
and offer a truce,
86
00:03:28,347 --> 00:03:30,853
Everything
will be just fine, mon.
87
00:03:32,877 --> 00:03:35,701
Wow. In one sentence,
88
00:03:35,786 --> 00:03:38,579
you just ruined dreads
and Jamaica for me.
89
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,800
You know, I am so excited
that you and Dave
90
00:03:43,884 --> 00:03:45,372
are trying to have
another baby.
91
00:03:45,456 --> 00:03:48,216
I know.
We haven't had this much sex
92
00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:50,992
since he shaved off
those stupid dreads.
93
00:03:52,762 --> 00:03:55,576
Well, at least someone's
making babies around here.
94
00:03:55,661 --> 00:03:58,014
By the time Malcolm and
Marty give me grandkids,
95
00:03:58,098 --> 00:03:59,735
they'll be changing
my diaper, too.
96
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,169
Well, is either one of them
seeing anyone these days?
97
00:04:04,252 --> 00:04:06,344
Well, they're on all
those dating apps,
98
00:04:06,429 --> 00:04:08,651
but neither one's had
a girlfriend in a while.
99
00:04:08,735 --> 00:04:12,417
I guess Malcolm's been working
more hours, and Marty's been...
100
00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:15,150
well, Marty.
101
00:04:15,350 --> 00:04:17,788
Oh. Well, maybe the problem is
102
00:04:17,872 --> 00:04:19,576
their profiles
aren't capturing
103
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:21,643
how amazing they are
in real life.
104
00:04:21,925 --> 00:04:23,856
Hmm. I never thought of that.
105
00:04:23,940 --> 00:04:26,143
You know, maybe we should
go online and look.
106
00:04:26,449 --> 00:04:28,367
We can't. You can only
search those apps
107
00:04:28,451 --> 00:04:29,543
if you have your own profile.
108
00:04:29,627 --> 00:04:32,130
Well, can't we just
make a fake one?
109
00:04:32,531 --> 00:04:35,374
I guess, as long
as you don't think it's wrong.
110
00:04:35,457 --> 00:04:37,810
Oh, it's wrong, but not
as wrong as me laying
111
00:04:37,894 --> 00:04:40,574
on a changing table
next to my grandbabies.
112
00:04:43,103 --> 00:04:44,730
Aha. Look who's back.
113
00:04:44,814 --> 00:04:46,298
You lose something, Calvin?
114
00:04:46,382 --> 00:04:48,151
'Cause if you're looking
for your dignity,
115
00:04:48,235 --> 00:04:50,302
Que already swept the floor.
116
00:04:52,024 --> 00:04:53,939
Look, I didn't come to fight.
117
00:04:54,023 --> 00:04:56,177
I came to end
this stupid rivalry.
118
00:04:57,740 --> 00:04:59,702
Look, LaTonya,
did Calvin Butler just say
119
00:04:59,786 --> 00:05:01,466
he wanted
to make peace with us?
120
00:05:01,687 --> 00:05:03,189
I think he did.
121
00:05:03,274 --> 00:05:05,795
Regina, check the cap
on that nail polish remover.
122
00:05:05,879 --> 00:05:07,733
Those fumes got us trippin'.
123
00:05:08,970 --> 00:05:10,278
Y'all ain't trippin'.
All right.
124
00:05:10,362 --> 00:05:11,235
Look, I just figured
125
00:05:11,319 --> 00:05:13,064
if we're gonna be
in this shop together,
126
00:05:13,149 --> 00:05:17,901
it's time that maybe
we took the high road with each other.
127
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,954
Hmm.
I don't think he's playing.
128
00:05:20,038 --> 00:05:23,043
He don't have that usual
stanky-ass look on his face.
129
00:05:23,437 --> 00:05:24,971
I know.
130
00:05:25,055 --> 00:05:27,055
I mean, it's still
a little stanky,
131
00:05:27,139 --> 00:05:30,692
- but the ass part just gone.
- Mm-hmm.
132
00:05:30,860 --> 00:05:32,560
All right, I'm
serious, guys.
133
00:05:32,644 --> 00:05:33,911
And as a show of good faith,
134
00:05:33,995 --> 00:05:36,665
I want to give you
free tune-ups at my shop.
135
00:05:36,749 --> 00:05:38,855
For your cars,
not your faces.
136
00:05:40,562 --> 00:05:42,483
I'm sorry.
It was right there.
137
00:05:42,567 --> 00:05:44,689
You know what I'm saying? Like, pop.
138
00:05:44,774 --> 00:05:45,987
You know?
139
00:05:46,071 --> 00:05:47,290
That's pretty big
of you, Calvin.
140
00:05:47,374 --> 00:05:49,262
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm in.
141
00:05:49,779 --> 00:05:51,624
Okay. Me, too.
142
00:05:51,707 --> 00:05:54,360
And in light
of our newfound peace,
143
00:05:54,444 --> 00:05:55,862
we should do
something for you.
144
00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:57,305
Like what?
145
00:05:57,389 --> 00:05:58,834
Right.
How about...
146
00:05:58,918 --> 00:06:00,980
we give you a manicure
on the house?
147
00:06:01,064 --> 00:06:03,288
Nah, I don't need all that.
148
00:06:03,372 --> 00:06:04,898
I'm pretty enough.
149
00:06:04,982 --> 00:06:07,790
I got to keep the hands
relatable, you know?
150
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:12,750
Come on, Calvin.
151
00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:15,733
Look how rough they are from
working in that shop all day.
152
00:06:15,817 --> 00:06:17,875
And now, wouldn't it be nice
for your wife
153
00:06:17,959 --> 00:06:21,567
if you came home
with soft, smooth hands,
154
00:06:21,651 --> 00:06:24,636
instead of these dry-ass
catcher's mitts?
155
00:06:24,981 --> 00:06:27,273
Yeah. Yeah, you ain't lying
about that.
156
00:06:27,356 --> 00:06:28,487
- Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.
- I mean,
157
00:06:28,571 --> 00:06:30,757
the last time
I gave Tina a back rub,
158
00:06:30,841 --> 00:06:32,795
she did say
it felt like I was scraping her
159
00:06:32,879 --> 00:06:34,906
- with two burnt pieces of toast.
- Oh!
160
00:06:36,153 --> 00:06:37,930
Yeah, exactly. Come on.
161
00:06:38,014 --> 00:06:39,476
Well, you come over here
and sit down and relax...
162
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,398
- All right. All right...
- while we take care of you.
163
00:06:41,481 --> 00:06:42,906
Okay. All right now.
164
00:06:42,990 --> 00:06:46,331
Remember, this is for Tina,
all right?
165
00:06:46,415 --> 00:06:48,768
- Mm.Oh. - Mm.Oh.
- Oh! Ooh, that feels nice.
166
00:06:48,851 --> 00:06:50,117
That's nice.
167
00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:52,990
Now, uh, don't be afraid
to get up on the neck.
168
00:06:53,074 --> 00:06:56,752
- Yeah. Again, for Tina. For Tina.
- Mm-hmm.
169
00:06:58,295 --> 00:07:01,117
So, how's our fake account
coming along?
170
00:07:01,201 --> 00:07:03,521
Great. Our name is Stacey,
171
00:07:03,605 --> 00:07:07,047
and I just found the perfect
picture for our profile.
172
00:07:07,130 --> 00:07:09,007
Whoa! Whoa.
173
00:07:09,091 --> 00:07:12,702
I don't mean to objectify us,
but damn, we are stacked.
174
00:07:12,786 --> 00:07:15,228
Ooh! - Ooh!
175
00:07:15,545 --> 00:07:18,047
Okay, so, uh, now we can
look up Malcolm and Marty
176
00:07:18,130 --> 00:07:19,163
and see what's going on?
177
00:07:19,247 --> 00:07:21,781
Yeah, I'll just
set the age range
178
00:07:21,865 --> 00:07:24,673
- to 26 to 32.
- Mm-hmm.
179
00:07:24,757 --> 00:07:27,913
And say we're looking for
someone within a mile radius.
180
00:07:27,997 --> 00:07:30,548
Good idea. With those boobs,
I don't think
181
00:07:30,632 --> 00:07:33,752
Stacey can walk very far
without tipping over.
182
00:07:35,911 --> 00:07:38,069
Oh, here's Marty.
183
00:07:38,153 --> 00:07:39,557
Let's see.
184
00:07:39,641 --> 00:07:42,125
Oh, no, no, no!
185
00:07:42,209 --> 00:07:43,954
Why would he pick
this photo?
186
00:07:44,038 --> 00:07:46,367
He's wearing
a Star Trekuniform!
187
00:07:49,651 --> 00:07:53,268
Yeah, he is boldly going
where no woman will ever go.
188
00:07:54,004 --> 00:07:55,704
And he's got a quote
from The Hobbit.
189
00:07:55,788 --> 00:07:56,925
What's it say?
190
00:07:57,009 --> 00:07:59,055
I don't know.
It's in some made-up language.
191
00:07:59,139 --> 00:08:00,752
But I'm pretty sure
it translates
192
00:08:00,836 --> 00:08:02,987
into "I ain't getting
no grandbabies."Oh.
193
00:08:05,709 --> 00:08:08,543
Oh. Now, hold on. Hold on.
This picture's cute.
194
00:08:08,627 --> 00:08:10,632
Let me see.
Oh, yeah.
195
00:08:10,716 --> 00:08:13,055
- This one's much better.
- Yeah.
196
00:08:13,139 --> 00:08:16,617
- I'm gonna like it.
- No, no, no! Tina, don't do that.
197
00:08:16,826 --> 00:08:18,466
What? I just pressed the heart
198
00:08:18,550 --> 00:08:20,264
so he knows
that someone thinks it's cute.
199
00:08:20,348 --> 00:08:22,273
Yeah, but now he's gonna
get a notification
200
00:08:22,356 --> 00:08:24,391
that "Stacey" is
interested in him.
201
00:08:24,475 --> 00:08:26,910
Okay, I'll just undo it
before he notices.
202
00:08:26,994 --> 00:08:29,281
I mean, it's not like
Marty's sitting by the phone,
203
00:08:29,365 --> 00:08:31,389
waiting for somebody...
204
00:08:32,942 --> 00:08:34,588
Oh, my God.
205
00:08:35,341 --> 00:08:38,298
My little baby just said "Sup?"
206
00:08:40,181 --> 00:08:42,322
Calvin? Calvin!
207
00:08:42,573 --> 00:08:45,201
Tina, let me rest, baby.
208
00:08:45,286 --> 00:08:47,221
I'm not a machine.
209
00:08:49,326 --> 00:08:52,008
No, Calvin, it's us.
210
00:08:52,091 --> 00:08:53,572
We're done.
211
00:08:53,811 --> 00:08:56,025
Oh. Oh, wow.
212
00:08:56,110 --> 00:08:57,668
I was out cold.
213
00:08:57,753 --> 00:09:00,706
I had no idea
a manicure could be so relaxing.
214
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:04,947
You know what?
Not only are y'all getting tune-ups,
215
00:09:05,032 --> 00:09:07,754
you're getting free
air fresheners for life.
216
00:09:09,861 --> 00:09:11,955
Well, we're so glad
you enjoyed it.
217
00:09:12,038 --> 00:09:14,101
Yeah, me, too.
Thanks a lot, ladies.
218
00:09:14,186 --> 00:09:15,854
Mm-hmm.
219
00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:19,725
What the hell
did y'all do to me?!
220
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:22,529
You turned me
into RuPaul Scissorhands!
221
00:09:22,614 --> 00:09:24,482
You're damn right, we did!
222
00:09:24,567 --> 00:09:27,500
Now your ugly face won't be
the first thing people notice.
223
00:09:27,583 --> 00:09:29,833
Ha! Smile.
224
00:09:29,918 --> 00:09:32,445
- Delete that.
- No way. I'm gonna blow that up
225
00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:35,086
and use it
to scare crows off my lawn.
226
00:09:35,286 --> 00:09:38,588
You know what? I knew I should
have never trusted y'all.
227
00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:40,956
I don't know who y'all think
y'all playing with,
228
00:09:41,091 --> 00:09:45,102
but payback is coming,
and you can believe that.
229
00:09:45,187 --> 00:09:47,864
That's on everything.
That's...
230
00:09:51,241 --> 00:09:54,565
One of y'all get over here
and open this door.
231
00:10:01,606 --> 00:10:02,693
Ooh, good. You're back.
232
00:10:02,778 --> 00:10:03,870
How'd it go
with the Pink Ladies?
233
00:10:03,953 --> 00:10:06,190
I'll give you ten guesses.
234
00:10:08,981 --> 00:10:10,913
Oh, my God.
235
00:10:10,998 --> 00:10:13,010
Why would you let them
do that to you?
236
00:10:13,095 --> 00:10:14,913
I didn't let them.
They...
237
00:10:14,996 --> 00:10:16,764
Well, hang on, hang on.
Don't tell me.
238
00:10:17,028 --> 00:10:18,775
I've got nine more guesses.
239
00:10:19,187 --> 00:10:22,629
Look, they tricked me
into thinking that we made up
240
00:10:22,713 --> 00:10:24,806
and then put me to
sleep with a massage.
241
00:10:24,889 --> 00:10:25,900
When I woke up,
242
00:10:25,985 --> 00:10:29,315
I looked like one of
the Real Housewives.
243
00:10:31,224 --> 00:10:33,491
I can't believe
they would do that to you.
244
00:10:33,576 --> 00:10:36,261
Well, th-this is what
I get for listening to you.
245
00:10:36,346 --> 00:10:39,275
"Take the high road,
be the bigger man,
246
00:10:39,402 --> 00:10:41,913
don't hit them with a car."
247
00:10:42,995 --> 00:10:45,477
Well, we cannot let them
get away with this.
248
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,524
We've got to come up
with a plan to get them back.
249
00:10:47,607 --> 00:10:49,004
Y-You damn right, we do.
250
00:10:49,087 --> 00:10:51,489
Now come on, man. Help me
get these stupid nails off.
251
00:10:51,572 --> 00:10:53,198
Yeah, you got it.
Uh, but first,
252
00:10:53,283 --> 00:10:55,551
I have this itchy spot
right in the middle of my back.
253
00:10:55,634 --> 00:10:57,099
It's right there.
If you could just...
254
00:10:57,182 --> 00:10:59,172
If you could
help me out. Here.
255
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:06,754
Hey.
256
00:11:06,839 --> 00:11:09,720
I came over to find out
how Stacey ended it with Marty.
257
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,745
Oh, well,
that's the funny thing.
258
00:11:13,938 --> 00:11:15,182
She didn't.
259
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:20,034
You're still messaging him?
260
00:11:20,119 --> 00:11:21,519
Why? Because
261
00:11:21,604 --> 00:11:23,325
he keeps messaging me.
262
00:11:23,408 --> 00:11:25,996
We spent all morning
talking about Harry Potter
263
00:11:26,081 --> 00:11:28,696
and how I'm something
called a Ravenclaw.
264
00:11:28,779 --> 00:11:31,654
You're a Ravenclaw?
You are so lucky.
265
00:11:31,739 --> 00:11:34,383
Ugh. I'm a total
Hufflepuff.
266
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:36,725
Gemma,
what am I supposed to do?!
267
00:11:37,027 --> 00:11:38,966
Well, first off,
268
00:11:39,051 --> 00:11:40,620
you should stop
answering him.
269
00:11:40,705 --> 00:11:41,664
I can't.
270
00:11:41,749 --> 00:11:43,711
Then he'll think
Stacey rejected him.
271
00:11:43,794 --> 00:11:45,778
It'd kill
his self-confidence.
272
00:11:45,863 --> 00:11:48,480
Come on, give Marty more credit.
273
00:11:48,565 --> 00:11:51,554
I'm sure he messages with girls
on this app all the time.
274
00:11:51,705 --> 00:11:54,754
Plus, he's only known
Stacey for half a day.
275
00:11:54,838 --> 00:11:57,057
She can't mean
that much to him.
276
00:11:57,142 --> 00:12:00,719
I'm telling you, Malcolm,
this Stacey girl is special.
277
00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:03,621
Oh, come on, Marty.
278
00:12:03,706 --> 00:12:05,581
You said
the same thing last week
279
00:12:05,664 --> 00:12:07,452
about the barista
at Starbucks,
280
00:12:07,537 --> 00:12:10,086
and she wrote your name
as "Martha" on the cup.
281
00:12:10,527 --> 00:12:12,980
Well, well, this is
different. Stacey is...
282
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,278
Stacey's smart.
She's interesting.
283
00:12:15,363 --> 00:12:17,269
She-She's dope, man.
Check her out.
284
00:12:17,667 --> 00:12:19,921
Oh, yeah. Ah.Yeah.
285
00:12:20,004 --> 00:12:21,429
That's Mama.
286
00:12:21,628 --> 00:12:22,619
What?!
287
00:12:22,702 --> 00:12:25,187
No, no. No way. No...
Why would you think that?
288
00:12:25,270 --> 00:12:28,755
Think about it, Marty.
Either a superhot girl
289
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:31,875
wants to talk to you
about Harry Potter,
290
00:12:31,958 --> 00:12:34,052
or it's Mama
snooping around your love life.
291
00:12:34,135 --> 00:12:36,697
Well... I mean,
you don't know that.
292
00:12:36,780 --> 00:12:38,330
Maybe... Maybe...
293
00:12:38,573 --> 00:12:40,245
Maybe as a teenager,
294
00:12:40,328 --> 00:12:43,161
Stacey was so embarrassed
about her overdeveloped body,
295
00:12:43,245 --> 00:12:45,250
so-so...
so she-she stayed inside,
296
00:12:45,334 --> 00:12:46,730
just reading and...
297
00:12:46,813 --> 00:12:47,861
Aw, damn!
298
00:12:47,946 --> 00:12:50,491
I said "sup" to my mama.
299
00:12:52,033 --> 00:12:54,782
Okay. Uh, what about this?
300
00:12:54,865 --> 00:12:56,260
We call the health inspector
301
00:12:56,345 --> 00:12:58,786
and get their beauty licenses
taken away.
302
00:12:58,870 --> 00:13:01,352
Nah, we can't
do that to Que.
303
00:13:01,437 --> 00:13:04,484
Legally, he's only licensed
to groom dogs.
304
00:13:06,791 --> 00:13:09,666
Well, we got to do something.
305
00:13:09,750 --> 00:13:11,101
I mean, we can't
just let those girls
306
00:13:11,186 --> 00:13:13,801
get away with being
so mean to you.
307
00:13:13,884 --> 00:13:15,366
Wait a minute.
308
00:13:15,451 --> 00:13:17,152
That's it.
309
00:13:17,235 --> 00:13:19,100
- Mean Girls.
- What?
310
00:13:19,184 --> 00:13:20,633
In the movie Mean Girls,
311
00:13:20,716 --> 00:13:23,071
Lindsay Lohan takes down
the bullies in her school
312
00:13:23,154 --> 00:13:24,375
by turning them
against each other.
313
00:13:24,460 --> 00:13:26,682
That's what we need to do
to the Pink Ladies.
314
00:13:26,767 --> 00:13:28,347
Yeah, o-on second thought,
315
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:31,844
let's round up some stray dogs
and call the health inspector.
316
00:13:32,191 --> 00:13:33,341
Calvin, I'm serious.
317
00:13:33,426 --> 00:13:35,629
All we have to do is dig up
some dirt about one of them
318
00:13:35,712 --> 00:13:36,998
that the other
doesn't know about
319
00:13:37,081 --> 00:13:39,129
and expose it
for the world to see.
320
00:13:39,213 --> 00:13:43,023
Oh, my God. I could've been
the queen of the mean girls!
321
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:47,067
You know, I think
I got something.
322
00:13:47,152 --> 00:13:48,966
I'm not exactly proud of it,
but...
323
00:13:49,049 --> 00:13:50,990
Okay, well, what is it?
324
00:13:51,355 --> 00:13:52,883
Back in high school,
325
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:55,668
LaTonya had a
huge crush on me
326
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:57,192
because, well,
327
00:13:57,275 --> 00:13:59,817
- obviously, you know...
- Well, yeah. Come on. Yeah.
328
00:13:59,902 --> 00:14:02,427
But one weekend, when
she was out of town,
329
00:14:02,510 --> 00:14:04,365
Regina swooped in
330
00:14:04,448 --> 00:14:06,586
and asked me on a date.
331
00:14:06,697 --> 00:14:07,942
No.
332
00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:11,096
Regina tried
to sneak and freak?
333
00:14:11,230 --> 00:14:13,839
You damn right she did.
334
00:14:14,182 --> 00:14:16,470
And she begged me
not to tell LaTonya.
335
00:14:16,553 --> 00:14:18,004
Now, you think that's
the kind of dirt
336
00:14:18,087 --> 00:14:20,094
that'll cause them to
turn against each other?
337
00:14:20,177 --> 00:14:21,519
Are you kidding me?
338
00:14:21,604 --> 00:14:24,702
Is Mean Girlsbetter
than Never Been Kissed?
339
00:14:27,261 --> 00:14:31,297
The answer is yes,
by a long shot.
340
00:14:33,965 --> 00:14:36,427
Mama, you and I need to talk
about something right now.
341
00:14:36,588 --> 00:14:38,188
Okay, Marty, I can explain.
342
00:14:38,273 --> 00:14:41,081
- I never meant to...
- I am in love!
343
00:14:42,038 --> 00:14:43,740
- What?
- That's right.
344
00:14:43,823 --> 00:14:45,892
Her name is Stacey,
we met online,
345
00:14:45,975 --> 00:14:48,073
and I swear, Mama,
I think she's my soul mate.
346
00:14:48,158 --> 00:14:51,364
How could you say that?
You've only known her one day.
347
00:14:51,447 --> 00:14:54,161
Or more than that. I don't know.
How would I know that?
348
00:14:54,245 --> 00:14:56,403
No, I know. I know
it seems fast, but I...
349
00:14:56,486 --> 00:14:58,364
I've never felt so connected
to anyone before,
350
00:14:58,447 --> 00:15:00,732
which is why I want you
to be the first to know.
351
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,539
I'm gonna propose.
352
00:15:02,753 --> 00:15:04,636
Propose? Marty,
that is insane.
353
00:15:04,721 --> 00:15:06,769
Ah, yeah. Well, so was selling
my car to buy a diamond ring,
354
00:15:06,854 --> 00:15:08,467
but love
makes you do crazy things.
355
00:15:08,552 --> 00:15:09,971
Oh, my God.
356
00:15:10,166 --> 00:15:12,239
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Okay.
357
00:15:12,322 --> 00:15:14,960
Marty, I've got
something to tell you. What?
358
00:15:15,495 --> 00:15:16,798
I'm Stacey.
359
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:18,932
- What?! You're Stacey?
- Yes.
360
00:15:19,015 --> 00:15:20,404
I bought a ring for you?!
361
00:15:20,489 --> 00:15:22,058
Yes. And I have been
messing with you
362
00:15:22,143 --> 00:15:23,059
since the moment
I walked through the door?
363
00:15:23,144 --> 00:15:24,322
Yes.
364
00:15:24,405 --> 00:15:26,304
Wait, what?
365
00:15:26,451 --> 00:15:27,590
That's right!
366
00:15:27,673 --> 00:15:29,474
I know all about it.
And I take it back.
367
00:15:29,557 --> 00:15:30,933
You're no Ravenclaw.
368
00:15:31,018 --> 00:15:33,422
You're a Slytherin
through and through!
369
00:15:34,529 --> 00:15:36,159
I am sorry, baby.
370
00:15:36,244 --> 00:15:38,596
I-I just wanted to see
your profile
371
00:15:38,681 --> 00:15:41,077
so I could figure out why
you weren't dating more.
372
00:15:41,162 --> 00:15:43,080
And before I knew it,
you were dating me.
373
00:15:43,163 --> 00:15:45,952
I can't believe you would
do this to me.
374
00:15:46,037 --> 00:15:48,466
It's just that Dave and Gemma
started talking about
375
00:15:48,549 --> 00:15:50,609
having a baby, and
all I could think about
376
00:15:50,692 --> 00:15:52,355
is how much I wanted
grandkids.
377
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:53,663
Yeah, but that's never
gonna happen
378
00:15:53,746 --> 00:15:55,745
unless you let me do my thing
and meet a girl
379
00:15:55,828 --> 00:15:57,746
who likes me
for who I am.
380
00:15:57,831 --> 00:15:59,705
Hey, I know, but come on.
381
00:15:59,788 --> 00:16:02,970
Star Trekuniforms
and Hobbitquotes?
382
00:16:03,053 --> 00:16:04,934
Mama, that's who I am.
383
00:16:05,019 --> 00:16:07,570
And anyone who doesn't like it
doesn't deserve me.
384
00:16:09,059 --> 00:16:10,433
You're right.
385
00:16:10,628 --> 00:16:12,240
And I'm sorry.
386
00:16:12,323 --> 00:16:14,302
And from now on,
I will stay out of it.
387
00:16:14,385 --> 00:16:15,847
Thank you.
388
00:16:15,932 --> 00:16:18,072
- All right.
- Okay, baby. Mwah!
389
00:16:18,155 --> 00:16:19,248
Oh.
390
00:16:19,331 --> 00:16:20,943
Ooh, sounds like
you got another match.
391
00:16:21,028 --> 00:16:23,816
Oh, wow.
And she's pretty.
392
00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:25,644
And she says she's
into sci-fi,
393
00:16:25,727 --> 00:16:27,692
video games
and graphic novels!
394
00:16:27,775 --> 00:16:29,546
- Let me see.
- Mm-hmm.
395
00:16:29,724 --> 00:16:31,390
Oh, yeah, that's Malcolm.
396
00:16:39,613 --> 00:16:42,792
What everybody laughing about?
What's going on? What's...
397
00:16:42,875 --> 00:16:44,399
What's funny?
398
00:16:48,142 --> 00:16:51,519
Ah, no one said they
wanted nails like yours,
399
00:16:51,604 --> 00:16:54,741
but everyone wants copies
of the picture!
400
00:16:55,989 --> 00:16:58,359
I put mine on a coffee mug.
401
00:16:59,980 --> 00:17:02,332
Oh, yeah? Well, you may
want to put it down
402
00:17:02,417 --> 00:17:05,118
and grab a broom,
because Calvin is about to
403
00:17:05,202 --> 00:17:07,241
spill the beans.
404
00:17:08,010 --> 00:17:09,905
That's right, LaTonya.
405
00:17:09,990 --> 00:17:12,169
You remember back
in high school,
406
00:17:12,252 --> 00:17:14,480
when everybody knew
you had a crush on me?
407
00:17:14,565 --> 00:17:17,481
Well, your girl Regina here
went behind your back
408
00:17:17,566 --> 00:17:19,307
and asked me out on a date.
409
00:17:19,391 --> 00:17:20,720
What?
410
00:17:21,827 --> 00:17:24,403
Regina, why'd you
do that to me?
411
00:17:24,487 --> 00:17:25,965
Okay, listen, girl,
don't hate me, LaTonya.
412
00:17:26,049 --> 00:17:27,228
I can explain.
413
00:17:27,311 --> 00:17:28,750
Girl, wait, I already did.
414
00:17:28,835 --> 00:17:30,230
30 years ago.
415
00:17:30,315 --> 00:17:32,276
Wait-wait a minute,
you-you knew?
416
00:17:32,359 --> 00:17:34,480
Oh, that you took Regina
roller-skating
417
00:17:34,565 --> 00:17:37,125
and spent the whole night
falling on your ass?
418
00:17:37,422 --> 00:17:40,255
You looked like a baby giraffe
walking around in high heels.
419
00:17:40,338 --> 00:17:43,280
Oh, yeah. Oh! Whoa. Whoa!
420
00:17:43,414 --> 00:17:45,986
Whoa!
421
00:17:46,069 --> 00:17:50,011
Okay, everybody be quiet!
I got something to say.
422
00:17:50,221 --> 00:17:53,427
You two been making fun of me
for way too long.
423
00:17:53,511 --> 00:17:55,576
And I pretended that
it didn't bother me,
424
00:17:55,661 --> 00:17:58,124
but the truth is
your words hurt.
425
00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:00,544
Probably not as much as
falling on your butt did.
426
00:18:03,152 --> 00:18:07,383
Let the man finish!
427
00:18:08,824 --> 00:18:12,855
I mean, do you guys know
how hard it was for me
428
00:18:12,940 --> 00:18:15,641
to come in here and try
to make peace with you?
429
00:18:16,569 --> 00:18:20,106
After all the mean things
that you said about me.
430
00:18:20,191 --> 00:18:21,933
I extended an olive branch,
431
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:25,328
and all you did was try
to make me look small.
432
00:18:25,413 --> 00:18:27,027
When the truth is
433
00:18:27,111 --> 00:18:28,941
you're the ones who are small.
434
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:31,814
'Cause bullying
and name-calling,
435
00:18:31,897 --> 00:18:35,296
that's just tearing people down,
when what we should be doing
436
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:37,384
is lifting each other up.
437
00:18:37,469 --> 00:18:40,170
But maybe that's just me.
438
00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:41,723
Nah, I feel you, Calvin.
439
00:18:41,807 --> 00:18:43,259
My father used to
make fun of me
440
00:18:43,344 --> 00:18:44,521
because of my dream.
441
00:18:44,605 --> 00:18:48,086
Because of him,
I gave up ballet.
442
00:18:49,349 --> 00:18:51,921
The kids at school used to
make fun of my Nikes.
443
00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:54,444
Talking about the logo
was upside down.
444
00:18:54,528 --> 00:18:57,180
They used to call me
"Off-Brand."
445
00:18:57,635 --> 00:18:59,015
See that, Calvin?
446
00:18:59,098 --> 00:19:00,407
It looks like you're
not the only one who...
447
00:19:00,491 --> 00:19:02,741
I still sleep with a blankie.
448
00:19:03,752 --> 00:19:05,152
What are y'all looking at?
449
00:19:05,236 --> 00:19:07,398
Trey want to wear a tutu.
450
00:19:07,635 --> 00:19:09,242
And that's okay.
451
00:19:09,326 --> 00:19:12,462
Because we all have
vulnerabilities.
452
00:19:12,547 --> 00:19:15,465
But it's not cool for y'all
to make fun of 'em.
453
00:19:15,549 --> 00:19:17,036
What the hell is wrong
with y'all?!
454
00:19:17,119 --> 00:19:20,778
Is this a barbershop
or an ice cream parlor?
455
00:19:20,862 --> 00:19:23,041
'Cause all you guys
are soft-serve.
456
00:19:23,125 --> 00:19:24,521
Oh, that's it.
457
00:19:24,605 --> 00:19:27,903
I want you out of here.
Trey, get the door.
458
00:19:27,987 --> 00:19:30,094
My pleasure.
459
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:35,182
Know what? Fine.
Let's get out of here, Regina.
460
00:19:35,266 --> 00:19:37,488
I'm right behind you, LaTonya.
461
00:19:37,572 --> 00:19:40,194
Out of my way, Off-Brand!
462
00:19:41,902 --> 00:19:43,972
Calvin, that was amazing.
463
00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:46,223
I can't believe how
vulnerable you were.
464
00:19:46,307 --> 00:19:49,405
What I can't believe is that
they actually went for it.
465
00:19:50,241 --> 00:19:51,544
Went for what?
466
00:19:51,627 --> 00:19:54,417
I made up all that
touchy-feely stuff
467
00:19:54,501 --> 00:19:56,550
to turn the room
against them.
468
00:19:56,634 --> 00:19:58,856
I got the idea
from Lindsay Lohan.
469
00:19:58,941 --> 00:20:00,207
Remember when she does
the sappy speech
470
00:20:00,290 --> 00:20:01,511
at the end of Mean Girls?
471
00:20:01,596 --> 00:20:03,078
Yeah. You saw it?
472
00:20:03,163 --> 00:20:05,559
Oh, a bunch of times.
And you were right.
473
00:20:05,644 --> 00:20:08,367
Way better than
Never Been Kissed.
474
00:20:12,695 --> 00:20:14,353
Hey, yo, Malcolm,
check this out.
475
00:20:14,436 --> 00:20:16,834
I just got messaged by
this superhot girl
476
00:20:16,917 --> 00:20:18,704
who claims to be an engineer,
477
00:20:18,788 --> 00:20:20,445
is into Dungeons and Dragons
478
00:20:20,529 --> 00:20:22,529
andcollects action figures.
479
00:20:22,614 --> 00:20:24,884
What? Let me see.Mm-hmm.
480
00:20:24,968 --> 00:20:27,997
Wow, she is fine. I know.
481
00:20:28,163 --> 00:20:30,730
Yeah, that's Dad. Yep.
Yep. Yeah, that's Dad.
482
00:20:30,974 --> 00:20:34,460
Ha, ha, ha.
Not interested.
483
00:20:34,544 --> 00:20:36,597
Get a life, loser.
484
00:20:43,655 --> 00:20:45,339
Wow.
485
00:20:45,436 --> 00:20:47,484
I thought
he was my soul mate.
486
00:20:47,568 --> 00:20:49,133
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
487
00:20:49,217 --> 00:20:51,369